My painful place. As I won my Ukrainian
The only feeling of Ukraine is when my mother sang "Oh in the Cherry Garden" and when Dad looked with her brother football, cheering for Ukraine. All. The conclusion is a sense of marginality that was laid. ⠀ I think that because of this I went on the road under the name "Who am I?". She took with her my favorite "horse" - intellectualization (one of the mechanisms of psychological protection) and began to write a dissertation on national consciousness.
In this work, I raised the question of how miraculously the national consciousness to form so that it was formed (strange question, right?). Because my internal deficit did not rest. Feeling of inexpensiveness. A hole in the middle of yourself is a very unpleasant feeling.
⠀ And here I dive into dozens of theories, what is the phenomenon, what its characteristics, what differs ethnic consciousness from national, national consciousness from self -consciousness, where here is the place of national identity that unites Ukrainians, what is the role of language, what is the basis - ethnicity or statehood, etc. It is a "debry" of scientific methodology. Very little related to heart and live love for Ukraine. But honestly, I "prepared" this Ukraine along and across.
And she always came across her painful place - a regional mentality. I knew (not from books) that the regions of Ukraine have their own historical and socio-cultural features. And I realized that it was necessary to form national consciousness, taking into account these features. Because according to the research, we all had low national self -esteem. But the eastern regions and southern regions showed the highest inferiority.
Their low self -esteem as Ukrainians did not go into any comparison with the self -esteem of Ukrainians in the central and western regions. And so I knew it on my own skin . . . ⠀ Another brightly unpleasant feeling that complemented my "imperimacy" was envy. Envy to those who know what it is - to be Ukrainian. And he yells about it throughout the country. And the feeling of "non -Ukrainian" was reinforced. ⠀ And this was even worse. I thought so - "Ukrainian Ukrainians" cool.
In them, identity is constantly fueled by culture, language, tradition. They seem to be constantly connected to the mains. And we had constant interruptions with the supply of Ukrainian energy. I know that this is a bad idea - to play the game "Who was more injured". Yes, all Ukraine was terribly injured by a psychopathic neighbor-aggressor, suffering from violence and humiliation for centuries. But my region was subjected to these invisible torture uninterrupted.
Here is the principle of simple geography. Whoever is closer to evil interacts with him. It is how to live every day near the rapist or once a year to visit him. The difference is. We had our own electricity network: only from this we were not fueled, and we were "figachach" without stopping the Russian psychosis. But this is one hundred percent children's position: to think how lucky someone is, and I don't.
When I want to say, "Parents loved you, were not beaten, they bought candy and drove to the sea. " From time to time, I even merged with the "Ukrainian". Now no. Because I was recovering, and I have a medical history that I can "make up in front of my nose. " It is also as if such a childhood (compensatory) - to sway that I "won" this Ukrainianness, and you, they say, greenhouse children just grew up in it.
Stupidity, I know… When I started searching for identity, I believed that there should be a way to feel my Ukrainian. I knew for sure that the path of "outside in the middle" was bad for such "lost" Ukrainians as me. To wear a wreath and to speak affirmations at bedtime "I - Ukrainian" did not work in Ukrainian. This is how in psychology to buy the course "I am beautiful, happy, successful" and listen to it every day. The effect is like valerian.
I understood perfectly: from the fact that I would wear a medicinal cap - I will not be a doctor. I did not immediately realize what to do, but clear. We were in a trauma that was not given. Violence that has no external manifestations. But it slowly corrodes from the inside.
Injury leads to a condition in which you "hang" between those who are conditionally healthy (but yet they do not reach) and those who are violaries (and there is a risk to them "bend" because they are strong = actually sadistic ). The victim is identified with the aggressor. Often. The victim "carries" his violent. This is the law of psychology. We had part of Ukraine that recovered and recovered after Russian injury, and we also had part of the injury. And few people wanted to look at this place.
But there were millions of Ukrainians there. It is clear that a long and painstaking work with collective trauma was needed. Carefully, without "threats" and accusations of "bad Ukrainian". But long-term therapy was not destined to be, it was interrupted by an urgent "operation" . . . Now you no longer need to think-guess, now you can see everything, because they have already been exposed. Ukraine on the surgical table, the incision is huge, the blood will, there is no anesthesia . . .
But if without surgery, then the main way of recovery should be differentiation. This is when you understand where I am, and where - not me. And where just a piece of shit, which is stuck. It is important to understand that there is a healthy part, but is affected. This distinguishing should give a chance. But sometimes this piece sticks so much that it grows. And it can only be removed with blood . . . We are not guilty when violence is committed. But we are responsible.
In order not to give this violent to enter the skin and become a full owner of the psyche. To realize yourself with Ukrainian and get rid of the imprint of trauma from "Russian psychosis" is important, this is the way "from the inside". Ideally, this process had to happen in a symbolic way. For example, the popular "Moskal" is now a symbolic plane. Because it is work with the internal ("Where in my Russian views", "where I react as my psychopath-neighbor", etc. ).
It is such a removal, it is painful, but it is symbolic, internal, phased. In analytical psychotherapy, it is one of the main tasks: "literally transferred to the sphere of symbolic. " When the symbolic does not work, the energy goes into the literal layer. And so now "kill the Muscovite in yourself" is a good trend, but a little late, in my opinion. Because it is "literal" in the helm. It is done… I do not love the pathetic phrases, but I like one.