I can't suffer anymore. Why did the war disappear from our conversations

"A girlfriend called from Kharkiv. He lives in the center, where she arrived more than once. Her house too. For the last time - literally the other day, in her yard, and that she is alive is a miracle. It was difficult, "she said. And for the first time in a long time we spoke to my mother -in -law, about her work, about everything! And about the war - no. " Opinion. We. We disappeared from Ukraine from our conversations. From our conversations with friends, acquaintances, loved ones and relatives.

I often wrote to my friend in Kharkiv in the first months of the war, worried terribly, begged to leave that she did for a while. But now that I arrive at Kharkiv, I do not rush to check in which area, I do not write to her in personal. Because if the worst happens, I will find out for sure. Then what is the difference, now or later. Better give it later. Let's defer the grief a little. You can't suffer constantly. How you can't enjoy every day.

In the first weeks in Kiev, I woke up in the morning with a enchanting-honest mood-thank God, I'm alive! And all my alive! She fell asleep with the thought - if it happens this night, then let it immediately, without long suffering. It is impossible to live constantly one day. At some point, the psyche goes to the usual planning rails, dissatisfaction, and even attention to little things that do not matter. However, the little things that do not matter have decreased in life.

Now really a lot does not matter. Career, recognition, envy, illness, money, things, bad mood, quarrels. You can't get annoyed because of the driver of the minibus that has cut you because it doesn't matter now. And he has - the life of us all. And this driver is too. But it is impossible to suffer. For the last time, I survived a deep psychological crisis after Olenivka. It was impossible to understand, digest, I still can't even think about it without tears.

But after another sleepless night, I realized that I would just spend my resource that I can need more tragic events, now, right now, and then some other events I will no longer survive. I will burn myself in another's mountain, and on my own grief I will not have enough strength. Many of my friends seem to be in the same state. We can't suffer anymore. We can't plan nothing. We cannot go to cover - because it breaks our dream, our affairs, our lifestyle.

You can't live in a constant fear - you just stop noticing the things that you once frightened. Parts of your brain cannot constantly produce adrenaline, you are crazy about this mode. Yes, you have to go to the shelter, but then . . . once . . . Yes, I need to, but I need to finish something here. I cannot imagine how our boys are on the front where you and the enemy beat Adrenaline every day. I have seen my former colleague photos, which has been regular for half a year.

He was not recognized, apparently, 10 years before his age. And great fatigue and some deep understanding of life. Something I do not understand, until I feel it myself in my own experience. And you know, without war in our conversations is really easier. At some point, my friends and I just stopped sending bad news to our common chat. Only memes, news from your life, new purchases, joy and frustration. The war and so take us the best people.