Meeting with reality. Why so many couples divorce during the war - a psychologist

Everyone was at home in quarantine and met face-to-face with what was happening at home for a long time. At that time, the level of domestic violence increased. We can assume that due to the growth of domestic violence, the level of divorce has increased, but this is not quite correct. Once face-to-face with a partner, many couples encountered themselves and their partners who preferred to avoid. The meeting with reality was unbearable.

Video of the day what happens during the war? War is a strong stress with a high level of injury. A person is not just faced with the reality she may have avoided. It naturally feels the proximity of death, destroy our basic illusions about the world (the world is clear and logical, it employs clear rules, illusion of immortality has a great effect on life), and at this point the mental perception and hormonal cocktail lift everything that lay deep at the bottom .

Also during this period existential issues are raised, and we can face that in critical situations, our partner responds to what is happening, not as we would like and expect it.

In addition, a person raises the following questions to myself: "I want to live so much so? And was I happy enough? What will I do when the war is over? What do I really want?" The bonus can be raised by the following questions: "What is good and what is bad? Where do I really want to be? Is my partner just that? Are we really approaching each other?" If there were conflicts that were silenced or traveled (not to dive into the negative), they are also updated.

Why at the moment when it is unclear, will you live tomorrow? That is why they rise. Every Ukrainian felt every molecule, a cell of his body and realized what it is - if tomorrow could not come and what to live today. In such a situation, we update the request for everyone, just every day and minute. If, answering all of the above questions, we begin to realize that we do not like the place or point in which we are, we, as never before, are honest with ourselves.

Now we can tell ourselves the truth: "I'm unhappy/And with this person. " We have a real awareness and understanding of the transience of life and what tomorrow can occur with someone else and we act. When a person is finally gaining strength and courage to leave a place where he is not very good or at all, he has a lot of inner impulse to live life. Another scenario: the wife with the children left and the husband remained.

It would seem that there is also ever more than ever to unite, to maintain each other and these relationships. But this happens only in couples where the couple is expensive, where both years work on them and where a good communication process is established - in general, a solid foundation. If, however, the relationship was kept on the interdependence, exploitation, the parental position of one of the partners - it all begins to fall as a card house.

The couple falls into a crisis that is difficult or practically impossible to get out if an element of patient pathology is disappeared. For example: a wife found herself in a new city, copes well with everyday life, solves streaming problems, in contact with children, suits them to school or kindergarten, everything is fine. Initially, such development is joy. But with such independence, the need for a man, if, for example, closed financial issues, solved household problems . . .

That is, he was just a function, a performer of certain actions in a couple. And here can be a natural question: why is he? Its disadvantages become brighter, clearer, and these relationships are gradually fading, since the need for a partner is eliminated, and people have not built anything for a relationship. The husband may also have such a scenario: his wife left, leaving her husband with her son 18 years old, she took the position "You are men, you will understand".

The man feels betrayed in this situation. The terms of objection are reduced and he, scrolling in his head, can find that he has been exploiting him for a long time, and comes to the decision to stop such a married life. He also understands the value of life, his fleeting and he wants to live him so that he breathes on full breasts and on equal footing.

If we trace the general dynamics, divorce is coming where there were relationships with a high share of operation, many problems that ignored and closed their eyes because they were afraid that it would be worse. And from the fact that we ignore the problem, it does not dissolve on its own. This is an infantile position - people are aware of how they have become different, look differently and can no longer ignore this difference.

In this case, it is better to release the partner, staying for each other with loved ones who are grateful for everything that was. It is worth mentioning that such a traumatic stress is also a crisis through which every person needs to pass. When you are in a relationship, your couple also passes through this crisis, and the purpose of the crisis is either to strengthen what is, creating even better interaction, or to complete what breathes incense.

Should you want to save your relationship at all costs? If a couple of expensive relationships and a partner - yes, it's worth it. But it should be remembered that it is a great work that has many unpleasant difficult moments. Therefore, you need to stock up on forces, resources and courage to deal with and solve problems. If the salvation of relationships does not imply mutual work, but sacrifice - from the standpoint of mental health - no. Any victim is a plantain on an open fracture.

So you step on the same rake. Definitely, when the relationship is over or you are on the way to it is scary. Fear after subsides, and dissatisfaction and unresolved problems will remain. Healthy relationships are built for love and respect, not for fear and victims. If this happens and your relationship is over, remember that it is always possible to analyze what is wrong. You will be able to ask yourself the question - what you want, what you will do otherwise.